Here is what is clouding my mind at
the moment with uncertainty, sorrow, fear, disillusionment and disgust. Today has
been full of incidents that I wish had never occurred. It has been quite a
drama filled day. My life sometimes does not feel like reality.
So I woke
up today startled once more because of a reoccurring dream I have been having
about an ex, oh yes world I will disclose a lot, but don’t be so vain to think
it is about you who I am talking about. Anyways, I despise those dreams because
all I want to do is forget about him, and my mind keeps replaying again and
again scenes of hopes that have been shattered. Besides the unpleasant
awakening, I also found myself having a rough morning due to the fact that I can’t
hear anything from my right ear! It keeps making a noise that is really hard to
describe, but for some reference, it sounds like the noise a fridge does when
left alone in the overnight hours. Sorry, if you don’t understand me, I cannot
describe it better for you. Waking up on
the wrong side of the bed is too much of a cliché to use and not even close
enough to how horrid this morning has been.
The
following scenes of my day were pretty average and not very exciting. I went to
work, stood and looked pretty for four and a half hours, although, I did learn
how to maneuver the register today after six months of working at my job that
should remain nameless (hey, if you’re my friend on Facebook I’m pretty sure
you can conclude which job I’m talking about). Throughout the whole shift, there is an important thought that kept popping in my mind, and that is my great-grandmother, Mama Concha. She has been really ill lately, and she is the main reason why we are going to El Salvador on Thursday. I love her dearly, and she has always been my most admirable person I know. I don't want to lose her. It might be selfish to say that, especially since I don't live down there anymore, but you cannot understand the amount of love I hold for her.
As I got off work and my ear was still an annoying clogging noise. My
mother and I went to go pick up some food for us and my brother as well. On
arrival to our sweet home, we ate our food and after began watching a movie,
which in my opinion was savage. I tried to sleep on the couch and that was a
miserable failure. Way to go smart one, trying to sleep while the surround sound
is on and this Hollywood insanity is playing in the background.
Such a
lame day, isn’t it? Well, after the movie my day began to go downhill. I was
excited for a little while to find out that She’s
Out of My League was on TV and I thought I could ignore the painful
disaster evolving in my ear. For a few minutes, maybe five, I was truly happy,
smiling and laughing even. Then all of the sudden someone leaves the house,
then the next minute a person comes and starts to yell at me, storms to their
room and slams the door while keeping up the massive eruption of anger by
throwing or maybe punching things in their room. I was scared, so I quickly got
off the couch turned the TV off and went to the bathroom to cry for a bit, when
all of the sudden the person who had left returned, unaware of the previous
drama. So I left the house, I drove to a park that I always go to whenever I feel
like I need to be alone, because that park greets me with its solitude as well.
I sat in my car crying for a while, thinking of how pathetic I am, and how imperfect
my life is.
The
next episode of this day is not very pretty. As I sat in my car, whining and
sulking I decided to make things worse, or maybe just create some background
music for my life, I put my Christina Perri CD in and it began to play songs of
broken hearts and unfulfilled promises, which made me realize that I had not
spoken to a certain someone in about a week, so what did I decide to do? Yes,
text him. My more than comical text had inscribed these following words, “I
know you don’t care, but at times like this, I miss you more than ever. I hate
that within a year I lost two of my best friends, it is so unfair. I hope you
are well.” Ugh, yes I know, that is pretty bad. So as it was expected I heard
nothing from him. WOW, you douche, I cannot believe he is such a jerk now. Later
I will tell you the whole story, but for now that’s all you need to know. I
resolved into tears for the rest of the night, until I had an epiphany…writing
my thoughts out.
Even if
not even one soul reads this, I did it for therapy. It sooths me and calms me
down to put down in words the feelings that I have. I sometimes get too
attached to the wrong things, I want to be attached to writing now. Dear words,
you are my best friend now, you are my strength to keep moving along, I hope I
can love you as much as you love me.
Goodnight
lovely. And whoever is reading this.
Lauri
